Depression and anxiety are really taking a hold of me now. I have over the past few months turned into a recluse, imprisoned in my own home. I only venture out if I really have to, and i block everyone and everything out just to cope with it. I don’t mean to be this way, but i don’t know of any way to stop it.
It all continues to get more difficult. Emotionally and physically. Worrying about everything. The stress of it all. Making sure, as best as I can, the kids are ok. Money worries. It is almost like a tank has run over me, and for good measure, reversed and done it again.
My existence at this moment in time is solely making sure the kids are ok. They are fed and have clean clothes. That’s about all I can muster. I have given up on myself. Not because I want to, but because in my eyes I don’t matter. As long as they are ok, that’s what’s important.
I have pushed people away too. Not what I intended to do, and not what I wanted to happen. But I understand it from their point of view. I am nothing like i was and I hate it. Why would anyone want to be around someone like me? I don’t want to be around me. The trouble is, I can’t escape.
Grief is an awkward and difficult subject. No one knows what to say, how to behave or how to act around people that are grieving. Especially when it comes to children.
I saw this video on the Winston’s Wish Facebook page. A really interesting way to describe how grief comes and goes in waves, which it does. Hopefully this will help our children, and hopefully others, understand grief a bit better.
Today would have been our 11th wedding anniversary. The worst day for me throughout all of this, this was the day we decided together to be husband and wife. I spent the day reliving our wedding day, hour after hour. A nightmare scenario. Sad and upset while reliving happy memories, knowing it will never be the same again.
Christmas day went better than expected. The run up to it was a lot worse than the day itself. Lots of worrying, anxiety, stress and fear was difficult to manage. But Christmas happened for all the children, which is the important thing. Knowing Lyanda would want us to be happy on the day and that she would want the children to enjoy it helped.
It was tough, being the first Christmas without her. The children were missing her too, but we all pulled together and helped each other through. I had help from a few wonderful people throughout all of it. Without them I don’t know how i would have done it or got through it. Gifts were given to the children by people I don’t know, and a full Christmas meal was delivered to us to ease the hassle for myself. It turned out to be an OK day, instead of the nightmare I was expecting.
A couple of days after we went to my parents house. My brother and sister were there with their children too. A lot of anxiety going there, as that’s the village me and Lyanda first met and initially lived together. But the day went OK. Gifts were exchanged and everyone was helpful. All the kids were playing together and everyone helped to make sure it went as smooth as possible.
On new years eve we went to Lyanda’s parents. It was arranged for us to go there to have a second Christmas with them on new years day. Lyanda’s grandparents also joined us. We all got together to exchange presents, have Christmas Dinner together and enjoy each others company. It was really nice.
We hadn’t seen them since the funeral, so I was a bit hesitant at first not knowing what it would be like. As it happened, I needn’t have worried. It was a lovely visit, albeit weird without Lyanda. Lots of tears and memories. It is nice to realise I am still part of their family, not just the children.
Seen this quote and it is unfortunately very true.
I see people staring and turning away. I see people talking and pointing, probably judging me or us in their own way. It almost becomes unbearable. It makes me not want to be out and about, amongst others who are simply getting on with their lives.
At the same time, we are all trying to carry on with our lives. Not in the way we imagined, or ever thought about. And not in a way we wanted. Sometimes I don’t want to carry on at all. But i know Lyanda would want the kids to become adults, as do I. And they need someone to help them along the way. Yes, mistakes will be made. Yes, arguments will be had. And yes, there will be bad times.
There will also be good times. And fun. And happiness. I have learnt that this is ok, and is also part of grieving. There are good times and there are bad times, there is no telling when these will be. Anything can trigger an emotion, good or bad. It is not something I can control, or describe.
It is a shame that some people for whatever reason will not approach me and talk. I am happy to talk, about anything. So are the kids. Please don’t pity us or look down to us. Sympathy is ok, so is affection. We are grieving. We are suffering a loss. We are trying our best. But we are human too.
There are some amazing, wonderful and selfless people out there. In normal circumstances I like to think of myself as selfless and would do anything to help anyone. But the daily struggle continues unfortunately. I have so much to do and time is running away from me. I just don’t know how to do anything anymore or even what I am meant to do. But I have somehow managed to get through the past few months, one hurdle after another.
Just wanted to say a massive thankyou to everyone that has supported and helped me, without all of you I don’t know where I would be right now. I also want to thank those that have given items, small and large, to us as a family. I genuinely appreciate everything you have done.
People tell me to ask if I need anything, but i never do. For those that know me, they will understand why I feel guilty accepting help and why I don’t ask for anything. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just the way I am.
That being said, I don’t think people realise how much all of this means to me, or to us as a family. It’s the little things that make a difference. I find it difficult to talk sometimes, which is unusual for me. I just wanted to say thankyou to everyone for all you have done.
December is nearly here,which means only one thing. The kids are one minute getting excited and the next very sad. Hard to know what to do for the best. I know it’s going to happen and I will do my best to enjoy the time with them, but it won’t be the same.
This time of year was Lyanda’s favourite. The countdown, the building excitement and time to spend with each other. Now I have to do it all myself. Without Lyanda. I don’t know how i am going to get through this. I just want it over and done with.
The only thing I want I know cannot happen. That alone is tearing me apart.
We have a car! After the mobility car was returned at the end of July, we were left without transport. Not that we necessarily needed any, but it makes things easier when there are 4 children here. It also makes it easier to arrange counselling sessions and other appointments, not having to worry about getting there and what time the buses are.
The car is a 2000 W plate Toyota Yaris. Amazingly, we all just about fit into it. The car was given to us by a very nice and generous couple from Edinburgh. One of them is a member of the mountain bike Forum. Getting the car to Carmarthen was the only obstacle. As I found out, this wasn’t an obstacle for long. I had already declined the generous offer, but the forum had other plans.
I was told this was happening and that the only involvement needed from me was when I collect the car at the end of the journey. So I watched as everything happened out of my control to get the car to me. A relay was set up, one forum member to the next, to get the car from Scotland to Wales. The car had some issues that needed sorting, but a mechanic in Chepstow said he would sort them out if the car could get to him.
The journey began. Edinburgh to Halifax, Halifax to Bristol, Bristol to Chepstow and then Chepstow to Cardiff. I was then given a lift from here to Cardiff by a friend to collect it. While in Chepstow, the mechanic ordered the parts to sort the car out. He decided to give it a fresh mot so I wouldn’t need to worry about it for a year.
A fundraiser was also set up to cover all the costs of the journey and parts etc. Enough was raised to cover all the outgoing costs of everyone, and enough left over to insure and tax the car for a year. Absolutely gobsmacked. Mixed emotions from me. Pleased that we had a car again, but sad and emotional why this had happened.
I have cried a lot throughout all this. Amazing gestures from amazing people yet again. An epic trip for a little car. The kids smiles at having a car said it all. Now I just have to bring myself to get out of the house and use it.
Times continue to be tough. With 4 kids it’s not going to be easy, but the emotional and mental side are tearing me apart. I have to keep trying my best to fight my own mind. I don’t want to do anything, don’t want to go anywhere, don’t want to talk to anybody.
But, I want things to do, I don’t want to be at home and I also want to see people. I know it makes no sense, but it does to me. There is no happy medium, no in between.
I have to battle myself to get through each day. Simple things like getting out of bed, getting the kids ready for school, feeding them, washing the dishes, washing their clothes and even bedtimes. It is an achievement just to get through each day. It shouldn’t be like that, but it is. Then the cycle begins all over again.
As the time has gone, I thought it would be easier to manage each day. It isn’t. Physically it’s nothing different to what I have done for the past few years. Mentally, it is 100 times worse. And it’s this that makes the physical side of things harder to do. I hope it won’t be like this forever. At this moment in time, it seems like it will be.