My Journey

Now all the kids are in school full time….

The first week of a new routine is done. A tough week, made easier with some friends helping me through it.

For the first time in around 18 years I have no children at home during school time. It is completely surreal. Long days of peace, long days of silence. Long days of being on my own when it shouldn’t be this way.

Lack of desire and motivation to do anything, but plenty that needs doing. I still can’t bear the thought of going out, i sit at home listening to music and wait. For something but i don’t know what.

Can things get any worse?

In the grand scheme of things and with everything that’s happened, probably not. But it is constant. A constant battle of everything that shouldn’t be. A constant battle that has lasted 10 months so far and doesn’t seem anywhere near ending.

The first year cycle is nearing, how I’ve got this far I do not know. All I can see at the moment is a lifetime of battles and struggles. I don’t see how I can carry on, but i know i have to. Everything is taking its toll on me, mentally more than physically, but all is clear to see if you look hard enough.

Yes, there are better days, sporadically mixed in with the bad days. And I look forward to these days, not knowing when they will be. But I relish the thought of a good day. One day, sooner rather than later, hopefully.

Lyanda’s birthday

Today would have been Lyanda’s birthday.
Another special day in our year of firsts, another special day in our ‘new’ life without her. These days make our loss more poignant, but each and every day hurts and is tough. Together we will get through it.

Our daughter found this plaque outside in our garden this morning. It is really lovely and a sweet sentiment. Our 10 year old is convinced Mummy has sent it to them on this special day, her birthday.

Keep shining bright Lyanda,
The brightest star in the sky.

A tough few days

The past few days have been incredibly tough. Nothing in particular has caused it, unfortunately just the way things are. Still up and down. This emotional roller-coaster is horrible. I have had a migraine for over 5 weeks now which isn’t helping. Yet still plenty to do.

There always will be plenty to do especially when I can’t bring myself to do anything. Day after day I sit here ignoring everything that needs doing. It takes all my effort and concentration to get through each day, that’s without having the ability to do anything else. But the kids are still clothed, fed and going to school.

I read this article, it summarises and sort of answers a lot that is going on.

Just wish there was a way of coping and dealing with this quicker so I have the chance of trying to be ‘me’ again. I was told I am nothing like i used to be, a shadow of my former self. I see this too, but struggling to do anything about it.

Mothers Day

I’ve been dreading this day for ages. A happy occasion, dedicated to all the mothers and a celebration of all that they bring to their children. Much the same as every year I can remember.

Until now. This year is different, and it will be every time from now on. I wasn’t sure how the kids would be. The first, of many, Mothers Days without their Mum. No longer is it a celebration with Mum, now it is a remembrance for Mum. Memories and pictures. It’s all they have now.

On every special occasion, they would make cards. These are what we both would treasure. A simple gift they had made means so much more than a gift purchased from any shop. Although Lyanda would always have a box of Ferrero Rocher from the kids. A token gift, her favourite chocolates. I would usually have a chocolate orange. Of course, the chocolates weren’t ours. They would all stand next to us waiting for us to open the chocolates so they could have some too. Over the years it became a standing joke that we would have to buy 2 lots. One for us and one for the kids to share, it’s the only way we would get a look in.

The morning came and the kids were all excited to show me the cards they had made. The school let them decide what they wanted to do. They made a card for Mummy but also made a card for me. I wasn’t expecting that, it was a really nice surprise. Unknowing to them, I had bought some Ferrero Rocher too. I shared them out as normal, they seemed to appreciate it.

Their cards sit proudly on the unit dedicated to Mummy. Along with a card a friend found in the shape of a star that says “Mum, you’re the brightest star” on it.

In the afternoon, another friend took us out. We went to a lake and fed some swans, ducks and other birds flying around. Before we moved to Carmarthen, that is something we all used to enjoy doing. Something simple yet meaningful. It was very peaceful there and gave a lot of time to reflect and think. We all had ice cream too. Time ran on so we had some food there before coming home.

The day went better than expected. Luckily it was really quiet, no one to spoil the calm. I think we all needed that. Seeing the swans gliding along the lake, the ducks swimming and all the birds flying around all trying to get some food from us was an amazing sight. Therapeutic in a way.

Struggling with daily life

Depression and anxiety are really taking a hold of me now. I have over the past few months turned into a recluse, imprisoned in my own home. I only venture out if I really have to, and i block everyone and everything out just to cope with it. I don’t mean to be this way, but i don’t know of any way to stop it.

It all continues to get more difficult. Emotionally and physically. Worrying about everything. The stress of it all. Making sure, as best as I can, the kids are ok. Money worries. It is almost like a tank has run over me, and for good measure, reversed and done it again.

My existence at this moment in time is solely making sure the kids are ok. They are fed and have clean clothes. That’s about all I can muster. I have given up on myself. Not because I want to, but because in my eyes I don’t matter. As long as they are ok, that’s what’s important.

I have pushed people away too. Not what I intended to do, and not what I wanted to happen. But I understand it from their point of view. I am nothing like i was and I hate it. Why would anyone want to be around someone like me? I don’t want to be around me. The trouble is, I can’t escape.

Describing grief

Grief is an awkward and difficult subject. No one knows what to say, how to behave or how to act around people that are grieving. Especially when it comes to children.

I saw this video on the Winston’s Wish Facebook page. A really interesting way to describe how grief comes and goes in waves, which it does. Hopefully this will help our children, and hopefully others, understand grief a bit better.