My Journey

Describing grief

Grief is an awkward and difficult subject. No one knows what to say, how to behave or how to act around people that are grieving. Especially when it comes to children.

I saw this video on the Winston’s Wish Facebook page. A really interesting way to describe how grief comes and goes in waves, which it does. Hopefully this will help our children, and hopefully others, understand grief a bit better.

A day to remember

Today would have been our 11th wedding anniversary. The worst day for me throughout all of this, this was the day we decided together to be husband and wife. I spent the day reliving our wedding day, hour after hour. A nightmare scenario. Sad and upset while reliving happy memories, knowing it will never be the same again.

And Christmas is over…

Christmas day went better than expected. The run up to it was a lot worse than the day itself. Lots of worrying, anxiety, stress and fear was difficult to manage. But Christmas happened for all the children, which is the important thing. Knowing Lyanda would want us to be happy on the day and that she would want the children to enjoy it helped.

It was tough, being the first Christmas without her. The children were missing her too, but we all pulled together and helped each other through. I had help from a few wonderful people throughout all of it. Without them I don’t know how i would have done it or got through it. Gifts were given to the children by people I don’t know, and a full Christmas meal was delivered to us to ease the hassle for myself. It turned out to be an OK day, instead of the nightmare I was expecting.

A couple of days after we went to my parents house. My brother and sister were there with their children too. A lot of anxiety going there, as that’s the village me and Lyanda first met and initially lived together. But the day went OK. Gifts were exchanged and everyone was helpful. All the kids were playing together and everyone helped to make sure it went as smooth as possible.

On new years eve we went to Lyanda’s parents. It was arranged for us to go there to have a second Christmas with them on new years day. Lyanda’s grandparents also joined us. We all got together to exchange presents, have Christmas Dinner together and enjoy each others company. It was really nice.

We hadn’t seen them since the funeral, so I was a bit hesitant at first not knowing what it would be like. As it happened, I needn’t have worried. It was a lovely visit, albeit weird without Lyanda. Lots of tears and memories. It is nice to realise I am still part of their family, not just the children.

Judging others

Seen this quote and it is unfortunately very true.

I see people staring and turning away. I see people talking and pointing, probably judging me or us in their own way. It almost becomes unbearable. It makes me not want to be out and about, amongst others who are simply getting on with their lives.

At the same time, we are all trying to carry on with our lives. Not in the way we imagined, or ever thought about. And not in a way we wanted. Sometimes I don’t want to carry on at all. But i know Lyanda would want the kids to become adults, as do I. And they need someone to help them along the way. Yes, mistakes will be made. Yes, arguments will be had. And yes, there will be bad times.

There will also be good times. And fun. And happiness. I have learnt that this is ok, and is also part of grieving. There are good times and there are bad times, there is no telling when these will be. Anything can trigger an emotion, good or bad. It is not something I can control, or describe.

It is a shame that some people for whatever reason will not approach me and talk. I am happy to talk, about anything. So are the kids. Please don’t pity us or look down to us. Sympathy is ok, so is affection. We are grieving. We are suffering a loss. We are trying our best. But we are human too.


There are some amazing, wonderful and selfless people out there. In normal circumstances I like to think of myself as selfless and would do anything to help anyone. But the daily struggle continues unfortunately. I have so much to do and time is running away from me. I just don’t know how to do anything anymore or even what I am meant to do. But I have somehow managed to get through the past few months, one hurdle after another.

Just wanted to say a massive thankyou to everyone that has supported and helped me, without all of you I don’t know where I would be right now. I also want to thank those that have given items, small and large, to us as a family. I genuinely appreciate everything you have done.

People tell me to ask if I need anything, but i never do. For those that know me, they will understand why I feel guilty accepting help and why I don’t ask for anything. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just the way I am.

That being said, I don’t think people realise how much all of this means to me, or to us as a family. It’s the little things that make a difference. I find it difficult to talk sometimes, which is unusual for me. I just wanted to say thankyou to everyone for all you have done.

Dreading Christmas

December is nearly here,which means only one thing. The kids are one minute getting excited and the next very sad. Hard to know what to do for the best. I know it’s going to happen and I will do my best to enjoy the time with them, but it won’t be the same.

This time of year was Lyanda’s favourite. The countdown, the building excitement and time to spend with each other. Now I have to do it all myself. Without Lyanda. I don’t know how i am going to get through this. I just want it over and done with.

The only thing I want I know cannot happen. That alone is tearing me apart.