Christmas is meant to be a happy occasion, but the past couple have been really difficult. With specific personal things that have happened, the whole dynamic of our home have changed. Now, things are a lot calmer. Everyone is happier. I decided this past Christmas would be a nicer one for us all. A better one. The kids deserve that at least.
But then things changed. A week before Christmas, I received some more devastating news. My eldest son (from a previous relationship) had sadly taken his own life. He was 19 and had his whole life ahead of him. I was completely heartbroken 💔 all over again. This has been extremely difficult to deal with, on top of everything else too.
There have been tough times over the years between us that were completely out of my control. Through these difficulties, I never stopped loving him or thinking about him, or my daughter either. I have tried several times to reach out to them but sadly nothing ever came from it.
I just wish we made the time to talk and make things better. I’m heartbroken we’ll never get that chance again. My only hope now is that my daughter will be willing to talk and we can reclaim the relationship we should have been allowed to have all these years.
I was a bearer at his funeral along with 3 of his closest friends. Nice, but also difficult and emotional. But I wanted to do it, to honour him. Seemed fitting, to not only be part of his journey into this world but I should be a part of him leaving it too. It was really painful and hurt like mad. No parent should have to say goodbye to their children, and grandparents definitely shouldn’t. It started snowing as the service began and literally finished snowing as it was finishing. We took that as a nice sign and a final flourish from him to us all.
I’ve said all along, the only thing I can imagine being worse than losing a spouse would be to lose a child. I honestly didn’t think I would have to deal with one scenario, let alone both.