Horrendous times

Struggling with this one, but it needs to be done. One of the worst months I’ve encountered so far. And still having to do it alone. I feel completely useless. The loneliness is harrowing and the silence is deafening. Doesn’t make sense to me either.

I keep getting told I’m and amazing dad, to still be this strong after all this time, no one knows how I cope, that they couldn’t do it if it was them. I haven’t chosen to do this, I have to do this. Big difference.

I am merely existing. I’m on auto pilot. I don’t know what I’m doing from one day to the next. I haven’t experienced headaches like this for years. Or ones that have lasted this long. The stress of everything is unbearable, painful and never ending. I struggle to get to the end of each day, when I do the loneliness hits with a vengeance once again. Then it all repeats itself.

Suddenly, this amazing person isn’t so amazing after all.

One thought on “Horrendous times”

  1. I saw your post on Facebook about the pop vinyl.
    Seven, almost 8 years ago I was in a similar situation to you.
    There isn’t really much I can say, I know the pain, and I know that no one was able to say anything that made it any better.
    Each day probably feels like you’re waking uphill carrying a bag of heaviness.
    Take all the time to grieve, or not, there’s no rules.
    I put on a brave face for my kids and everyone else and some days I didn’t.
    It certainly sorted out the friends and family , who mattered and who didn’t.
    There is no timeline for the sadness you have and it will pass into a different kind of sadness when it does… the only thing is to give time for time to help.
    The sadness changes but that rawness passes, that is one thing I can assure you of.
    Don’t feel guilt for asking for help, or taking time for yourself.
    You have needs too.
    Much love.


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