I haven’t posted anything for a while, it has been a really tough month. The first of the firsts have started. Our little ones first day at nursery in the mornings, the first birthday, oldest started his gcse years, and a few other things too.
Every morning has been taken up with counselling for the kids, doctors appointments, opticians appointments etc. While it’s been good to keep busy and have things to do, it hasn’t helped my mental state at all. No time to reflect, no time to think, no time to grieve. This past week was the last of the run of appointments, so hopefully will get the odd day to do what I need to do, in between their now sporadic appointments.
I know i need some time for me. I have to stay strong and keep us all safe and well. I still fear crumbling under the stress and pressure of it all. If I can get through each day then that is an achievement in itself. Most days I just want to hide in a corner somewhere out of the way of the world. Everything seems OK on the outside, that’s what I have to do for the kids sakes and pretty much everyone I see. Inside is completely different.
I hate being like this, even though I am told it is ‘normal’ to feel this way. Each night I look up to the stars, if I can see them or not, and wish things were as they were. Unfortunately I know this cannot happen. And that is one of the hardest things to deal with. Knowing our lives will never be the same again. There will always be a void in our lives. And in my heart.