How can I keep doing this?

Struggling to handle everyday life. Things we would normally do together I now have to do by myself. It is hard. Everything seems to be falling apart. But that might be just me. I keep losing it and it’s not fair on the kids. Hugs one minute, tears the next. The kids are suffering and I can’t stop, I have tried. They shouldn’t have to put up with me being like this all the time.

Unfortunately distractions are just that, distractions. They paper over the cracks temporarily, but once they finish everything is straight back to how it is. I have no way of letting off steam, i can’t do anything, I am always needed by somebody. I know that is my role, but I need to be able to function as Dad too.

I don’t resent the kids at all, and I wouldn’t change them for the world. I love them all to bits. But I need some time to process all this myself before I implode and become even more of a nightmare than I am now.

1 week until school starts. 1 week. That’s all I need to do, get through one more week. Then normality will return, for them at least. I might have some time then. Time to remember. Time to reflect. Time to try and answer the questions going round in circles in this mushed up brain of mine.

I am stuck on an emotional roller-coaster. A roller-coaster I can’t stop. One I can’t get off. I hope one day I can apply the brakes and slow it down. Just a bit. Just enough.

I have made a connection with this song since Lyanda’s sad passing. I listen to it daily, several times usually. This seems to have a calming effect as well as an emotional connection.

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