I honestly don’t know how i have survived this past week. A week of rain here in Carmarthen. Good old Welsh weather. Haven’t been able to take the kids anywhere or do anything with them. A real struggle.
Also had some news. Not the best of news, which sent me over the edge. I hadn’t had many suicidal thoughts before. I certainly have the past few days. But they will stay as thoughts. They have to, i have a family to raise.
I promised Lyanda all the way through her struggles I would look after them. I also promised her at the Chapel of Rest I would. I intend to keep that promise, no matter how hard. I have already lost the love of my life, I don’t want to lose my family too. And they need me. I can only do my best.
The visits from friends and family have subsided over the past few weeks. I still have regular phone contact with family, and visits from a group of friends. They have all supported me throughout all this. They all give me hope. But lots of things upcoming that I am not looking forward to. I know i should, but the void in my heart is too great.
Her eldest just turned 18. A week to go until school starts again. First morning at school for the little one. Our daughter starts year 1. Our middle one turns 10 next week. Then the oldest at home starts his GCSE year. All these things, and more, Lyanda was really looking forward to.
A lot to deal with, and extremely mixed emotions about all of it. Happy times are unfortunately overshadowed with great sadness.