Please click on Our Background for our life story, from when we met, happy times, through all our struggles and difficulties, up to that devastating day.

Please click on My Blog for my thoughts and feelings after Lyanda’s sad passing. My Blog will be updated as and when i need to.

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Thankyou for reading and thankyou for allowing me to share our story with you.

Hi, I’m Alan. I sadly lost my wife, Lyanda, aged 37, on the 27th June 2018. This was sudden and not expected at all. Feeling lost is an understatement. I honestly feel like my world has been ripped apart. We were together for 12 years in total and married for 10 and a half of those. The information below is true. It might seem long winded, but i think it is all relevant to show the difficulties we faced up until that devastating day. If you read the whole story, thankyou.

In total there are 7 children. 2 of them are from my previous relationship, 2 are from her previous relationship and we have 3 together. 4 of those (aged 14, 9, 5 and 3) live with me. Life is tough. Needing to be there for my children and trying to deal with all this myself is tough. The kids are the only thing keeping me going but I fear I will fail them. I am struggling to cope getting through each day.

There had been extremely tough times before this also. Lyanda constantly suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks since her teenage years. But through everything we always pulled together and got through it. Now I have no one to do this with and I don’t know how to do it anymore. This is the reason for this website and blog. It was suggested to me as a form of therapy. Somewhere i could vent my frustrations and something i can look back over to see how things have changed. Hopefully, in a better way. I have already been doing similar on a mountain biking forum i have been a member of for the past 14 years or so, and getting a great deal of support there from our community of strangers. Getting messages and emails saying i am an inspiration, helping them in their lives, even changing some of their lives for the better. I don’t feel like an inspiration, more a hindrance.
But, if this is the case, if others can relate to any part of my story, i hope it will help them. Either to talk, listen, share problems, help others or just to be there for someone. This way, i hope, this message will reach a wider audience. Men apparently are not meant to show emotions. I have cried, for days on end. I have cried to the point i couldn’t speak. I have collapsed helplessly on the floor in floods of tears. Don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid to show emotions. Let someone help, or better still, help someone else.

Individual blog posts also listed and linked below.

The practical steps

The funeral

Human kindness from “strangers”

The plans we made


Please help stop my 5 year old crying.

A really tough week

How can I keep doing this?

A very tough month


Mental challenges

Amazing gesture

Dreading Christmas



Judging others

And Christmas is over…

A day to remember

Describing grief

Struggling with daily life

Mothers Day

A tough few days

Lyanda’s birthday

Can things get any worse?

Now all the kids are in school full time….

The last of the ‘firsts’

And a year has gone by….

Filling a void

My ‘new normal’ life

Horrendous times

Just being there….

A child friendly memorial

Special people

My ongoing thoughts and feelings

A special day out


2 Years